HEALING TOGETHER: WHAT LOVE TOOK FROM ME

My story is one laced with bittersweet encounters but I have the will to share it because I believe others can have the courage to do what I couldn't do for myself and my future years ago. When I got married about thirty-nine (39) years ago, it was with the understanding that my husband will accept as his own, my daughter who was a toddler at the time. He assured me that he loved me and accepted to love and nurture my daughter as well. He even insisted that I should stay at home while he worked to cater for the family. 

In the beginning, I accepted his conditions not to work and we were a beautiful family open to welcome more children. He kept to his promise, at least for the first two years of the marriage and our home was peaceful. However, his sisters visited one day and discouraged him from taking care of my daughter who they labelled as another man's child. She was still but a little girl. Somehow, they managed to get him to neglect my daughter and he never reconsidered that decision. He washed his hands off anything to do with her. My mother upon finding out about my husband's decision for me to be home insisted that I should work and earn my own keep. It is an invaluable advice I will always appreciate. I heeded to her advice and began to trade in various businesses.

Before long, my husband changed his attitude drastically. He became a heavy drinker who cheated indiscriminately and would hardly stay at home. He rejected my meals and constantly compared me to the wives of his friends. I suffered abuse verbally, physically, emotionally, psychologically and even financially. He was a stingy man who would destroy anything he had bought for me during misunderstandings. The details are too horrific to recall but after two live births and some miscarriages where I almost lost my life, I still chose to stay in the marriage. I didn't want the history of my mother and my sisters’ lives to repeat itself with me (they had a number of children with different men). Just when I was getting overwhelmed and was strongly considering leaving the marriage, my husband started staying at home but guess what?: it was not because he was remorseful for his maltreatment. It was only because he was diagnosed with a chronic mental disorder. The women, wild life of drinking and friendships came to a halt. Everyone abandoned him for the children and I. For ten (10) years and counting, the children and I especially have been his sole caregivers. The accompanying impact of that journey is a story for another day.

My marriage killed me emotionally. I do not recall any happy experience in the almost four (4) decades of marriage. I had envisaged a home of mutual care, love and support but it was never to be. Instead, I have been filled with so much anger and hatred all these years. It didn’t get better overtime. We have been together for over thirty years but are strangers who only share a house, children and perhaps a name. Often, I feel denied of the joy of knowing what genuine love entails between a couple in my lifetime. I regret my inability to leave earlier with the children but I am left to carry the weight of nursing him despite the frustration and maltreatment from him for all these years till date.

Is this to be overcome fully? Only God knows. However, I may say I have managed it well. Oh, I had to be extremely strong! I had to make a decision to overcome it to enable me raise the children without counting on him much. At least, he provided for some basic needs for his children; so that was not entirely crippling for me. I had to make a choice when the issues began piling up and I decided to stay in the marriage and take care of my children. I had to be responsible for my decision. I also devoted myself completely to service to God. Regular attendance and participation in church activities (study of the Word and fellowship) encouraged me and built my hope to keep pressing on.

I have cried, fought and expressed my anger and bitterness in many ways. Some gave me relief while others remind me that I am human and can make bad choices. I learnt that I had to live with the consequences. I chose to find my own form of happiness by working tirelessly to ensure that my children and I never lack anything. God has been good to us and we are doing well. I am a better person than I was those thirty-nine years ago. Seeing that my children have all grown to be responsible adults is rewarding. I have overtime built a personal relationship with God and I derive my self-worth and dignity from living a purposeful life to honour him. I can only be grateful for life and strength. I don’t look like what I have been through.

•      Be patient and wait on God before entering any relationship. Look out for any warning signs in the course of the relationship right before the marriage and God will give you direction. Do not ignore those signs and be courageous enough to walk away if you are not convicted.

•     Focus on that one thing that can keep you committed to your marriage. However, if it becomes unbearable, do not compromise for the sake of your children or the talks of others to stay. A lifetime is limited; so do not sentence yourself to a prison of regrets.

•      Be a friend to your spouse. Be willing to support your partner in every way.  

•      Openness, sharing ideas, patience, understanding, forgiveness and trust are resources to keep your marriage afloat.

•     Love God, study the Word and be prayerful. It will comfort you and encourage you to stay firm . God will guide you to overcome any disappointment you face in life.

•      Do not make friends part-takers of your marriage. They can break your home.

•      Be strong and never let go of your faith in God's grace to sustain you.

- May