HEALING TOGETHER: “ARRANGED MARRIAGE” IN THE CHURCH

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When I turned 28, the topic of marriage became harrowing. I was getting older and needed to settle by the old age of 30 or so I thought. It so happened that my spiritual mother connected me to her spiritual son who happened to be a pastor.

Incidentally, I had informed her in a conversation that I would be glad to get married to a pastor. I did not think that she would connect me to a pastor who was still navigating life for himself. Someone who had no church affiliation and still lived in his parents’ house. Retrospectively, this was not the issue for me. I eventually agreed to the marriage hesitantly. This was my spiritual mother, she could not have made a mistake in connecting me to a life partner. In fact, I felt there was something enigmatic about the pastor’s demeanour but I could not put them in words. He was over excited to meet me but reluctant to start making arrangements for marriage. Eventually, the cat came out of the bag and we all got to know that he had an alcohol addiction problem which he tried desperately to hide from us. This made him irresponsible with money and as a result, he would not improve himself or move out of the comfort of his parents’ home, a pastor!

I was disappointed in ways I did not know was possible. Why would my spiritual mother fail to do such a basic homework on someone she wanted me to partner with for life? The first time she mentioned him to me, I told her that I was not interested but she made me aware that it was the perfect will of God. However, when his demons came out, she sent me a text message instructing me to break up with him and move on with my life. In fact, it had been five (5) years of dating and waiting for this pastor to do the needful and “ironically” I had to wait upon my spiritual mother to tell me to breakup with him before I did.  Frankly speaking, I was shocked this could happen to me, but I was equally relieved that the relationship did not end in marriage and I had not lost my dignity.

I decided to be a stronger person with the experience and not to get bitter with the people involved because I believe that as a Christian, it was my duty not to let that disappointing experience affect my relationship with them. It has been five (5) years since the breakup and I have reinvented myself by the grace of God. I am much stronger and more discerning. Now, I am 38 and still single but I have a good sense of direction for my life and feel so much self-worth. The strangling influence of my spiritual mother has been lifted off and I can live freely as a Christian with a personal relationship with God. The most important way by which I got over the situation was understanding my life’s purpose. I was enamoured with the idea of getting married to a pastor, when I myself was called into ministry. The situation catapulted me into finding and answering my own call into the ministry of the Gospel of Jesus Christ and I am fulfilled.

I believe healing is a process. It takes time. I accepted that I made a mistake by not listening to my gut and overly relying on the spirituality of others to hear from God. I grew closer to the Word of God which has never failed me and I keep hope alive. I also pursued my calling in which I have found meaning. My life is not empty or unfulfilled. When it comes to marriage, it can only get glorious from here. I am excited for the future.

  • Do not harbour bitterness towards those whose influence led you astray. Instead, view it as God’s way of redirecting your path towards greatness and enriching your life’s journey so that others may benefit from your experience.
  • God did not fail you - people did. Do not allow anger or bitterness to distance you from Him. Rather, use the opportunity to immerse yourself in His Word and seek Him in prayer. In doing so, you strengthen your spiritual resilience and guard yourself against the enemy who seeks to use painful moments as gateways to draw you away from eternal life.
  • As long as there is life, there is hope. Things will improve. I have been privileged to meet remarkable individuals and visit incredible places simply by channelling my energy into ministry. Truly, God is good.
  • People may not understand your delays or the decisions you deem necessary for your journey - and that is okay. As long as you are led by the Holy Spirit and confident in the choices you make, trust that life will unfold as it should. A fulfilling marriage is far more valuable than one you merely endure.
  • You are defined only by what you allow. Establish your personal values and let them shape your identity.

 

- Adepa

Comments

Anonymous said…
Great story. Very inspiring. God bless you for sharing
February 14, 2025 at 10:09 AM
Counsellor Seyram said…
Thank you & Amen. God bless you too
February 15, 2025 at 3:54 AM
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