HEALING TOGETHER: A BROKEN “CURSE”

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I lost my virginity as a teenager through multiple rape but I couldn't tell anyone. It changed my life as I became suicidal. I felt worthless with nothing left to protect and I just wanted to die. I became timid and vulnerable; so, several men took advantage of me. By the time I was in my mid-twenties, about twenty (20) men including close male friends, distant relatives, colleagues from school, church and even some pastors took advantage of me sexually. I began to consider myself as being under a CURSE and constantly attempted suicide but failed.

Eventually, I got married despite my family disapproval and many unresolved issues between myself and my partner. I just wanted to be married hoping the "curse" will be broken and I will be set free. Sadly, I realized soon after the marriage that I had made a terrible mistake. The "curse" was not broken and men still exploited me and had their way with me but my husband did not even care or protected me. I gradually went back into the cycle of suicidal tendencies and attempts but I still kept failing. After few years, I gathered courage and walked out of the marriage.

The marriage and subsequent divorce was terrible. It cost me a fortune and I left with nothing – my reputation, every friendship I had overtime, Christian denomination and my job. The church fellowship especially condemned me and treated me like an outcast. My world at this point came crushing down. I just stayed alive because even death rejected me but I prayed for death every day.

Then, one day I met an individual I have come to believe is my guardian angel because just when I hang at the very edge of life’s rope and was desperate to give it all up finally, this person showed up and refused to give up on me. This person did not judge me but offered support without exploiting me. Instead, I was encouraged to seek professional help and follow through with it. I obliged and was diagnosed and treated for multiple mental disorders. I also believe that God has a purpose for my life and that kept me from dying despite my efforts for decades. With God, professional help, my guardian angel, family support and an acknowledgment that I had to rewind my life and start from scratch, I am making steady progress to live. I had to be willing to die to my old life and begin anew.

I no longer live in a survival mode hoping, praying and waiting to die. In many ways, I am still learning to heal daily. I am in a much better place and for once, I am grateful for life. The mental health conditions I suffered from were chronic along some other health complications because they had been left untreated for decades. I can only learn to treat and manage them as such.  Fortunately, I have made good recovery and currently in remission. I am learning about myself and accepting who I am. I have come to understand that my relationship with God is personal and a commitment I need to keep nurturing as long as I live regardless of how the church will treat me. I am also learning to forgive all those who hurt me and caused me such deep pain. I have decided to be intentional about my growth and focus on supporting others deal with as well as avoid being in my kind of situation. I have also set boundaries and accepted that the world is unfriendly. I can love and serve humanity but keep a safe distance. I am able to have goals and dreams of a future where the brighter days will wipe every pain from all the dark years of the “curse”.

  • When you are abused in any form (sexually, emotionally, physically, psychologically or by neglect) at any age, seek professional help to deal with the trauma because it can negatively affect your life for years.
  • Set healthy boundaries and be mindful of who you trust including pastors.
  • As a believer, love God and know him for yourself. Do not limit God to the dictates of a church.
  • Sometimes, life will get worse before it gets better; so, be strong, forgive yourself and others.
  • It is possible to shine beyond any past shame and move on. Never give up.
  • Freedom is expensive, guard it jealously.
  • I believe everyone has a guardian angel; it may take a lifetime but he or she will certainly show up for you when it matters most.
  • Bad things can happen to good people. 
- Enam

Comments

Anonymous said…
After reading this, I believe I always move with the holy Spirit. I am proud I never judge others, rather I say " you don't know what is going on behind the scenes. May God continue to send us guardian angels in human forms always to keep us safe from the darkness of this world. Amen
March 6, 2025 at 9:36 AM
Anonymous said…
I pray Enam gets the deliverance she needs and finds reason to be much more than a past. Thanks Enam.
March 6, 2025 at 12:10 PM
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