IN THE RING OF LIFE: SUPPORT IN GRIEF I

At certain points in our lives, we may all experience some sort of loss; a child, a spouse, a parent, relative, friend, or acquaintances. Often, the particular relationship we had with the deceased determines the intensity of grief we experience. For some people, the period of grief is limited to the time of death and ends during the burial service. For others however, the period of grief may be much longer – perhaps as long as a lifetime. The pain may not get better with the passage of time. This post offers some ways in which support can be extended to individuals who are grieving.

You may refer to the first part of this series to understand what grief entails via this link: https://reflectiveseedsbycounsellorseyram.blogspot.com/2024/03/in-ring-of-life-understanding-grief-i.html

1. Be understanding and patient. There is no restriction on how long the individual is to grief during the loss of a loved one. Grief is a personal expression of pain; thus there should be no fixed expected time or forceful actions intended to prevent one from grieving. At best, the individual can be offered encouragement and given room to mourn the loss. It is rude to make statements such as It’s been a while, aren’t you over him or her yet?

2. Be sensitive when asking questions. It is common to ask questions about the events leading to the death including the cause, time, place, etc. However, this is not a good practice since it may lead to painful triggers, flashbacks and difficult reminders. It is insensitive to prey and make the individual keep repeating such information when he or she is already grappling with the effects of the loss. Sensitivity must be highly exercised to avoid increasing the anguish of the bereaved. One may wait until such a time when the bereaved is ready to share such information willingly; but if he or she is not in a position to do so, there should be no coercion.

3. Do not make assumptions. Statements such as He or she is in a better place; you’re young and can have more children to replace this child; I guess it was his or her time to go, are made based on certain assumptions which may not necessarily be true. Assumptions may cause you to make utterances that can be upsetting instead of uplifting for the bereaved. Be measured and keep any baseless assumptions to yourself.

4. Do not pass judgmental remarks. This is quite common in cases where the deceased might have passed on through an accident or suicide. Judgmental comments such as He or she brought this on himself; it was his or her fault; he or she should have known better should not be part of any conversation with a bereaved person. It is disrespectful to the memory of the departed and inconsiderate of the pain associated with the loss.

5. Avoid making promises of support. As tempting as it may be to make promises of being available to support the bereaved individual, it is more appropriate to practically offer the support. This may be by preparing meals for the individual, helping them with chores and responsibilities and checking up on the individual often. You may use comforting statements such as You, your family and your loved one will be in my thoughts and prayers. I don’t know what to say. I wish I had the right words to comfort you. What service(s) can I offer you?. Most individuals grieving may not remember to take up on a promise to call for help. Thus, such support should be readily provided or follow ups made where necessary to offer them.

6. Shelf religious sentiments. Statements such as God or Allah must have wanted him or her there because he or she was such a good person. God or Allah gives and takes. He knows best… should be limited as much as possible. For some individuals, aligning grief and loss in the early stages to religious teachings is almost impossible. Therefore, any reference to a supreme being may be worrisome or upsetting than warmth giving.

TO BE CONTINUED IN THE SECOND PART...