IN THE RING OF LIFE: "HOW ARE YOU?"

“How are you?” is a simple question used mainly to inquire about someone's state of health. Overtime, in the Ghanaian context and perhaps in many other countries, it seems to have lost its meaning and value of honest enquiry to become a routine question or ritual with fixated responses. Usually people may respond with the statement, “I am fine”, “I am well”, “I am blessed by God's grace”, I am doing well” or “I’m good”. Interestingly, the above responses may not be a true reflection of the person's state of health. However, any contrary response may be considered as inappropriate or rude.

For example, I listened to an interview where a man narrated his experience at the hospital. He had reported sick and as the nurse was checking his vitals, she asked him the usual, “How are you”? to which he responded, “I am not fine”. According to him, the nurse was upset and insisted that he should claim that he is fine instead of saying he is unwell. How ironic and troubling can this be? Nonetheless, the man’s situation is the everyday experience of many of us. When asked, “How are you”? We have an auto response irrespective of who is asking and why. Therefore, instead of the enquiry being a genuine sign of concern about the well-being of an individual or even a group of people, it has become synonymous to a mere salutation to begin conversations, express curiosity or show courtesy. It is of little wonder then, that sometimes after individuals claim to be fine, one may hear later the unfortunate news about the person being sick for some time or in the worst case, the person reported dead due to illness.

In an article titled Stop asking ‘how are you?’ Harvard researchers say this is what successful people do when making small talk Published on Thursday, 7th May, 2019 by Gary Burnison, he stated that “How are you?” are the three most useless words in the world of communication. The person asking doesn’t really want to know, and the person responding doesn’t tell the truth. What follows is a lost opportunity and meaningless exchange with zero connection. However, according to Huang et al. (2017) the key to making the most out of small talk, is to simply ask the other person follow-up questions. In a series of experiments, the researchers analysed more than 300 online conversations and found that those who were asked more meaningful follow-up questions (a.k.a. questions that aren’t “how are you?” or “what do you do?”), found the other person much more likable.

In this post, we examine when, why and how we can ask people, “How are you?” meaningfully.

1. Have a reason for asking. Before you ask someone “How are you?”, clarify the motive for asking. Is it out of genuine care or concern, curiosity, rumour verification, catching up, following a social norm or merely a form greeting? Knowing why you are asking and perhaps sharing same with the other party would likely influence the kind of response you will receive. Also, the relationship you have with an individual determines the reason for asking and perhaps the feedback.

2. Be more specific and use variations in asking. Instead of asking, “How are you”? and leaving it at that, you may rather ask in these forms: How is it going?; How have you been?; How are you really doing?; How are you doing right now?; What's been on your mind lately?; If you are to be completely honest with me, how have you been feeling lately?; What's feeling good and what's feeling hard in your life?; What word would you use to describe your life right now?; The last time we talked you were dealing with a problem, how's it now?; and What question do you wish someone will ask you right now?. Being specific will guide the response you will receive. It will also give an indication of the actual level of concern or intention for which you are asking the question.

3. Be ready to offer support to the individual. When you are asking someone “How are you?” in instances where you genuinely seek a sincere response, you should be ready to offer assistance to the individual where necessary. This may be through financial, emotional, physical, spiritual or psychological means. Your question may probably be a timely opportunity to reach out.

4. Unless requested, the information shared should be kept confidential. People may withhold giving valid response to the question “How are you?” because of the fear of it becoming a case or subject for public discourse. When information is shared, there is no guarantee of it remaining between only the giver and the listener or receiver. The ability to keep information confidential may be good grounds for others to give true responses to the question, “How are you?”.

5. Ask from a place of empathy. The human nature makes us susceptible to drawing conclusions on matters sometimes without full comprehension of the situation. This may cause one to be quick to pass judgment or utter unpleasant words. When people are uncertain about how their news will be received, they may be reluctant to admit openly what they are actually going through. Empathy over prejudice is an essential virtue to get others to express their actual emotions when asked “How are you?”

6. Respect the space of the respondent. During certain periods in people's lives, they may be going through life issues which they do not want to share. It may be health conditions, social issues, financial problems among others. In some cases, they may just not want to be disturbed. It is necessary to be advised to let such people be by respecting their space. At best, some messages of concern and reassurance can be sent to them prompting them of awaiting support available when they are ready to access it.

"How are you?” may be considered generally as a linguistic ritual for starting a conversation. However, this does not imply that individuals cannot move beyond the conversational lines to express sincere concern and extend assistance to others where necessary by asking “How are you?”. The significance of asking someone “How are you?” can be measured by the worth and impact the response will yield. When next you ask someone, “How are you?”, do let it count for something worthwhile beyond a formal ritual! 

Dear reader, “How have you really been?”.

References

Burnison, G. (2019). Stop asking ‘how are you?’ Harvard researchers say this is what successful people do when making small talk. Published Thursday, Mar 7 2019 https://www.cnbc.com/2019/03/07/stop-asking-how-are-you-harvard-researchers-say-this-is-how-successful-people-make-small-talk.html

Huang, K., M., Yeomans, A.W., Brooks, J., Minson, & Gino, F. (2017). "It Doesn't Hurt to Ask: Question-asking Increases Liking." Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 113(3), 430–452.